On Having it All Together

I want to grow – at least I think I do and that is what I tell the world. But i'm terrified about what change might mean. And I want to decide how I grow – instead of letting God do that work in me or allowing others to speak wisdom into my life.  Because when others speak into my life they might see that I am not as good as I pretend to be. 

I like to put on faces, to be successful at what other people expect me to be successful in. I am good at playing a part. I'm good at being vulnerable to a point. I'll admit I am struggling with the things I'm supposed to be struggling with - with living in community, with a busy work life, with discerning my life calling/vocation. But I'm absolutely terrified of disappointing people's expectation for who I am. And so I have a harder time being honest and vulnerable about what I assume others will judge me in - mainly the confusing nature of my faith and my unbelief. 

But it turns out that living in community means I can't run away from the things I don't want to share with the world. I can't just assume that my mask will stay in place - and especially not when I am living in community with someone as committed to honesty as Ket. Today I am so thankful for my roommate. I am learning that she will call my BS - something  too few people are doing in my life at the moment - make me take off the mask, and hold me accountable to living up to what I have said is important to me. I am so immensely thankful that of anyone I could have gotten for a roommate it was her – someone to make me think and breathe and question things. Someone that will not let me live a lie. And someone who will make me ask myself why? Why? Why?

And today the lie she found me living behind was one of faith. I am scared to be honest with my questions of faith and tradition and so I have been living out an identity that I'm not sure I hold.

I want to remain committed to the church – because I believe in it and I believe that by believing in the ridiculousness of God and of transformation we are inspired to make something happen – even if I can't  be certain right now that I believe in the church's God. 

And  I'm scared that if I were to go down this rabbit hole of faith I would have to change something. I wouldn't come out as I came in – whether that would mean getting rid of certain aspects of my life or changing my public face on faith – and i'm terrified of changing. I have just now reached an equilibrium for my life, and as such might have decided that I will live into something things even if I don't believe them.  I think I have put up artificial barriers between the questions of my soul and the questions of living out faith (because who knows if I even believe in the faith). I want so strongly to have space for both faith and openness for other traditions – I want to have it all put together, but at my core I don't have conclusions at all. And to be honest, I don't want the existential angst that going down that rabbit hole brings. 

So how do I be honest to where I am at? To the fact that I don't know, that I am struggling to figure things out (but only part of the time), and that I like to pretend that I have everything together?