On Having it All Together

I want to grow – at least I think I do and that is what I tell the world. But i'm terrified about what change might mean. And I want to decide how I grow – instead of letting God do that work in me or allowing others to speak wisdom into my life.  Because when others speak into my life they might see that I am not as good as I pretend to be. 

I like to put on faces, to be successful at what other people expect me to be successful in. I am good at playing a part. I'm good at being vulnerable to a point. I'll admit I am struggling with the things I'm supposed to be struggling with - with living in community, with a busy work life, with discerning my life calling/vocation. But I'm absolutely terrified of disappointing people's expectation for who I am. And so I have a harder time being honest and vulnerable about what I assume others will judge me in - mainly the confusing nature of my faith and my unbelief. 

But it turns out that living in community means I can't run away from the things I don't want to share with the world. I can't just assume that my mask will stay in place - and especially not when I am living in community with someone as committed to honesty as Ket. Today I am so thankful for my roommate. I am learning that she will call my BS - something  too few people are doing in my life at the moment - make me take off the mask, and hold me accountable to living up to what I have said is important to me. I am so immensely thankful that of anyone I could have gotten for a roommate it was her – someone to make me think and breathe and question things. Someone that will not let me live a lie. And someone who will make me ask myself why? Why? Why?

And today the lie she found me living behind was one of faith. I am scared to be honest with my questions of faith and tradition and so I have been living out an identity that I'm not sure I hold.

I want to remain committed to the church – because I believe in it and I believe that by believing in the ridiculousness of God and of transformation we are inspired to make something happen – even if I can't  be certain right now that I believe in the church's God. 

And  I'm scared that if I were to go down this rabbit hole of faith I would have to change something. I wouldn't come out as I came in – whether that would mean getting rid of certain aspects of my life or changing my public face on faith – and i'm terrified of changing. I have just now reached an equilibrium for my life, and as such might have decided that I will live into something things even if I don't believe them.  I think I have put up artificial barriers between the questions of my soul and the questions of living out faith (because who knows if I even believe in the faith). I want so strongly to have space for both faith and openness for other traditions – I want to have it all put together, but at my core I don't have conclusions at all. And to be honest, I don't want the existential angst that going down that rabbit hole brings. 

So how do I be honest to where I am at? To the fact that I don't know, that I am struggling to figure things out (but only part of the time), and that I like to pretend that I have everything together?

this is a me I want to be

I've got bread rising on the counter. I've got beans soaking next to me on the table. I am about 3/4 done a crochet project I started a month ago. And I'm listening to my 90's hits pandora station (boy bands mostly!) This is me this Sunday morning. This is the me I want to live into more. This is the me that has not come out too often the past month. This is the creative, sustainable, make it from scratch, make a mess, and feel free and full and excited about life me that I found in college. This is the me that I want to continue to inspire and cultivate as I build patterns and habits that will become my lifestyle.

This weekend, this me was inspired by a meeting of women, mostly 10-15 years older than myself, organized by a friend from church. We sat around the living room eating Rachel's whole grain baking and talking about what it means to be sustainable, how to learn from each other about "Living More With Less" (how I really need to read this touch stone of Mennonite women's identity), and this month's topic: how and why to mill your own wheat. I sat in a circle of women who are living into habits I enjoyed dabbling with in college - and some who have been doing so since before I was alive - and was struck by humility and grief for habits i have put down recently. I found myself missing the Sustainable Food Meetings from my second year at EMU, where we sat around in a circle on our floor and chucked our own wheat berries; the hours of time spent over a hot stove with Mom and Joshua and Hannah and sometimes Dad each summer canning tomatoes, salsa, and peaches, and the occasional jam or relish; the commitment I made one fall to eating local and my experiments with food since then; baking bread/buns in Chad when every task was a challenge (I still boil my water for yeast - it feels so much more worthwhile than just turning the tap warm). These are habits I have dabbled in and that I want to continue to practice in my life.

At one point in time I marveled at the sacredness of hearth as the corner stone of community and of home. I lived into the ideal of hospitality in my room in Maplewood and apartments in parkwoods. This is an identity I want to continue to live into here in Rochester. So far it has been a challenge to be inspired to do so here. There are many legitimate reasons why I haven't been inspired -we had issues with our stove, and there is the work schedule to adjust to, plus our kitchen is so tiny and awkward, and there are few opportunities to act as hosts. But I want to be inspired again. And I am willing to commit to doing so.

So here's to waking up early on a Sunday morning to get the bread in before church - and to purchasing cider and squash at a farmers market this afternoon! This is a me I want to be.

What's in a blog?

This past weekend we joined with MVS units from across the East Coast (the Manhattan unit and the DC unit to be exact) and MVS staff for a regional retreat in Northern PA. Our 3 1/2 days at Spruce Lake Camp at proved a relaxing mix of discussions on community, games of dutch blitz, rook, and bannaza, fires (both inside and outside), and beautiful mountains. During one of our conversations on communities, we discussed commitment and promises - how in order to build community we need to make promises and keep them. Someone mentioned how making promises is hard, especially because fulfilling them may mean that we might have to sacrifice something more exciting that could come up. I kept thinking about promises I have made, intentional or not, that I might not be keeping - and also about promises I have refrained from making because I was scared that keeping them might mean missing out on other things. 

In community its important to be clear about the expectations we have for ourselves, and to be held accountable to keeping those promises in order to develop and maintain trust among community members. 

But clear expectations and maintaining promises are also important to personal identity and self-worth. In my wellness class sophomore year my prof told us how breaking promises to ourselves is the most destructive thing we can do to our self-image. It was for that reason that I stopped pressing snooze on my alarm - and thus stopped hating myself every morning when I didn't wake up after 3 or 4 snoozes. Since then I have been careful about not making promises to myself that I would not be able to keep - and that has been good for me. But this weekend I realized I have also avoided making promises - like being committed to timeline for updating this blog - because I was scared that in I might fail myself. Letting fear keep me from committing to myself is not a way I want to live. 

And so maybe it is time for a new beginning. Maybe it is time to make some promises to Bekah again. 

And I know just where to start. 

I spent 400 dollars this morning on a new computer. Its a lot of money for me to spend on me - especially while trying to live simply in MVS - and I want to be intentional in how I use this new piece of technology (which is unfortunately not conflict free - though I did ask). I'm not going to be too radical about it just yet (not forgoing any hulu or netflixs or facebook or anything like that), but I want to be clear about my purposes for purchasing a new computer, and commit to using Weirwood in a way that honors those purposes. (...and yes I named my computer after trees from Game of Thrones..) 

Thus, 

• I need access to the internet to maintain relationships - and so I am committing to using Weirwood to communicate  with family or friends far away over video or audio chat at least once a week. 
• I want space to explore and dream, discover new things and work towards my goals both in Rochester and after my time with MVS - and so I am committing to using Weirwood for self-development, discerning and exploring what comes next, networking in Rochester and finding all the fun things to do here, and researching new and exciting things on a regular basis.
• I believe in building community at home - and so I am committing to using Weirwood as a gathering place for Ket and I in the evenings, to sharing entertainment in our home, and to brainstorming together how to be a part of our larger community. 
• I want this investment to last - and so I am committing to try take care of Weriwood, to refrain from throwing her off second story buildings and spilling soup on her keyboard, and to maintaining her to the best of my ability (including renewing the warranty).  
• And finally, I need to time to reflect on what I am learning, to stretch my brain in analysis, and to share stories of my experience with others (not to mention to practice my writing) and so I commit to using Weirwood for blogging and self-reflection/journaling every week.

I have been less than faithful at maintaining my Rochester Blog these last few months (almost two and a half months in Rochester to be exact!!!!). There have been many things compiling to make that a reality - adjusting to a new city, new life, new work, new everything, getting sick (twice since I got here!), and most recently having my trusty old computer die on me (for real this time - and for no good reason! it's not like I dropped it from another balcony or something), but mostly no commitment or clear purpose for this blog.

With a deadline and a purpose, I have written pages and pages of meaningful - and also not so meaningful - words. I especially loved editorial writing for the Weathervane, even when I hated it. I had a clear mission for my words and a mandate to put  at least 500 of them together every 2 weeks. I like to think that sometimes they were relevant or at least interesting. I enjoyed paper writing too - it has been too long since I sat down with my old computer with a topic to research or debate and a word or page limit in which to do it. I think I miss that. I hope that by committing to blogging and reflecting every week I will not only be able to keep in the habit of writing, but that I will create space for reflection and growth during the remaining 10 months of MVS.