to create

I once said that to exist is not enough for me, I must leave a witness. I must make note. I must reflect. And I must write. I have not done much of this recently.

A year ago, a fellow honors student of mine reflected on consumption vs. creation. On the circle of life. On maintaining a balance between destructive and productive energies. I have forgotten to create lately.

Weirwood was to give me a place to reflect. When naming my new laptop, I chose the imagery of the god tree of Westors, of the sacred, ancient, living connection to the old gods that live in and witness to all, as a way of inspiring me. A name is a powerful thing – the claiming of an identity, the becoming of a reality, the defining of a purpose. I dreamed of using Weirwood to connect, to reflect, to learn, to pray, and to grow. To be a witness to life, and allow me space to create meaning for my experiences. Instead I have used my laptop to access the stimulus of information and entertainment available to me in the modern age. I have not used her much to create – but to consume. Netflix, Facebook, Imgur, Comics, etc. I have forgotten her name and the purpose for which I purchased her. I have used her as a distraction – granting me access to the idols and false gods that distract and detract from my breathing, living, blushing experience.

Fishy is staring at me as I write this. The golden/orange animal has positioned himself in a corner of the tank directly across the table from me. He flaps his tail to stay in position as his beady eyes stare directly into mine. I wonder if he is curious - curious maybe about why his silence is interrupted in the middle of the day, about why I sit here with a cup of tea (earl gray – good writing tea) and stare back at him, about why I struggle to put fingers to keys, why I struggle to create. Fishy is witness to my rapid key strokes, my pauses, my frowns and smiles. He is witness to my attempt to create. Some part of me wonders that if by his witness Fishy makes these efforts count, these strokes make music, this post make meaning. That by being seen, my attempts become worthy. But maybe fishy is not looking at me at all. Maybe he's only fascinated by his reflection in the glass.

There is something to be learned from this interaction with Fishy, even if it is only one-sided. Especially if he is only fascinated with the glass. Without a witness, I continue to exist. I need not publish this ramble of thoughts for them to hold value. Creation needs no witness to be beautiful and awe-inspirng. Bekah simply is.