to create

I once said that to exist is not enough for me, I must leave a witness. I must make note. I must reflect. And I must write. I have not done much of this recently.

A year ago, a fellow honors student of mine reflected on consumption vs. creation. On the circle of life. On maintaining a balance between destructive and productive energies. I have forgotten to create lately.

Weirwood was to give me a place to reflect. When naming my new laptop, I chose the imagery of the god tree of Westors, of the sacred, ancient, living connection to the old gods that live in and witness to all, as a way of inspiring me. A name is a powerful thing – the claiming of an identity, the becoming of a reality, the defining of a purpose. I dreamed of using Weirwood to connect, to reflect, to learn, to pray, and to grow. To be a witness to life, and allow me space to create meaning for my experiences. Instead I have used my laptop to access the stimulus of information and entertainment available to me in the modern age. I have not used her much to create – but to consume. Netflix, Facebook, Imgur, Comics, etc. I have forgotten her name and the purpose for which I purchased her. I have used her as a distraction – granting me access to the idols and false gods that distract and detract from my breathing, living, blushing experience.

Fishy is staring at me as I write this. The golden/orange animal has positioned himself in a corner of the tank directly across the table from me. He flaps his tail to stay in position as his beady eyes stare directly into mine. I wonder if he is curious - curious maybe about why his silence is interrupted in the middle of the day, about why I sit here with a cup of tea (earl gray – good writing tea) and stare back at him, about why I struggle to put fingers to keys, why I struggle to create. Fishy is witness to my rapid key strokes, my pauses, my frowns and smiles. He is witness to my attempt to create. Some part of me wonders that if by his witness Fishy makes these efforts count, these strokes make music, this post make meaning. That by being seen, my attempts become worthy. But maybe fishy is not looking at me at all. Maybe he's only fascinated by his reflection in the glass.

There is something to be learned from this interaction with Fishy, even if it is only one-sided. Especially if he is only fascinated with the glass. Without a witness, I continue to exist. I need not publish this ramble of thoughts for them to hold value. Creation needs no witness to be beautiful and awe-inspirng. Bekah simply is.

Winter isn't over yet

We were in the upper 40s last week. We might even have reached 50 degrees. I saw green grass and went outside without a winter coat. And so you can imagine my heart ache as I looked out my office window this morning to see snow flurries. I knew the cold was coming back - I even heard it directly from the meteorologist on the evening news last week while checking out our new laundromat (Closer, less sketchy, actually has heat and working machines, and has blooming flower pots for only 25 cents more). And so I'm kicking myself for not taking more advantage of the brief respite from cold and snow. Oh well... I guess I'll have to leave the rest of my skirts in the closet until spring comes back (Ket says another 8 weeks... but I hope she's lying). And keep dreaming about the day chacos can breath again.

Meanwhile life goes on much as usual in Rochester MVS. Work is busy, challenging, fulfilling, discouraging, stressful, hopeful, depressing, etc. My clients and coworkers continue to frustrate and inspire me. Ket and I continue to follow our routine of work, laundry nights, drinking lots of tea, buying groceries, going to church, etc.

We've also continue to have a few adventures - most recently a very cold but beautiful trip to Niagara Falls, Ontario with Matt last weekend (this was before the brief warm spell). Despite the cold we enjoyed the breathtaking view of the falls and even got a taste of summer at the butterfly conservatory.

We recently got a Y membership, so I have been experimenting with getting up before the sun once again to go workout before work and come home with sore legs. There is a yoga class on Tuesday and Thursday mornings that I am loving. There is also a Zumba class on Saturday that I suffered through and think I may continue to subject myself to with the hope that I can in fact teach my Mennonite hips to dance to pop music. I am enjoying splashing through chlorinated water and the fact that showering at the Y seems to make my hair softer than it was when I showered at home (not harsher from the chlorine as anticipated). I hope the exercise helps me to find renewal and energy as I wait for the flowers to bloom and the sun to warm my soul.

I am also asking plenty of identity questions and feeling more and more lost. I'm struggling with what I want/need for now and in six months when I leave MVS. I wonder what I will do with myself and where in the world I will plant myself.  I'm hoping I can learn to know myself again, because sometimes I feel I have forgotten Bekah somewhere in the mess of surviving life.

And I am also falling more in love with Rochester Mennonite Fellowship and the wonderful people who fellowship there. I am amazingly thankful for the fellowshippers (:P) I have gotten to know over the last six months. For their strength, their vulnerability, and their encouragement and support of each other and of me as we struggle to follow God together and in our own lives. I am looking forward to the season of lent to ask questions, to ponder life together, and to prepare for the narrative or resurrection.

January - and a trip down south.

I struggle in the winter months. The dark, the cold, the lifelessness - they drain the life out of me. I know this about myself, have known it since highschool when I self diagnosed with SAD (seasonal affect disorder). And so I have spent a lot of January in hibernation - sitting on the couch with knitting and netflix, drinking hot chocolate, and waiting for the days to lengthen and sun to warm the earth so I can be outside and find joy again. I have felt myself be less and less genuine as more and more energy goes into maintaining the status quo. I have felt the lack of snuggles and cuddles and simple touch. I have been less motivated to do extra, to reflect, to dream, to grow. It has not been bad, it simply has not been easy and I have given myself the space to hibernate. I gave up judging myself for my lack of motivation and persevered through each day as it came along. My morning prayer was to love my clients this day, to be patient with my clients and coworkers this day, or even to get through this day until I could retire for the night and sleep.

Given my struggle with winter in Rochester, this past weekend was amazing.

I got to be in 50 degree weather. I got to see mountains. I got to snuggle and cuddle to my hearts content. and I got to rest with people who know the heart of me. I was given the gift of being genuine without exerting effort.

I had the opportunity this past weekend to be in Harrisonburg for the Inter-Collegiate Peace Fellowship conference at EMU. I was sent on behalf of MMN as a recruiter for MVS, which gave me the incentive to talk a lot about what MVS in Rochester has meant to me over the past 5 months. It was good to reflect and share - and to remember that this experience is wonderful. To be encouraged by the challenges and opportunities. To remember all that I have learned and experience. And to encourage others to think about the possibility of MVS as well.

While there I had the pleasure of staying with the Treehouse, a place I have stayed each time I visited Harrisonburg since graduation, and reconnect with parts of my soul that reside in those wonderful people. I also had the gift of connecting my EMU soul mates with my sister, who was also in town for the conference, and seeing her again after only a month of separation. And of course I had the space to Matt and interact with him surrounded by my sister and friends - all things that do not happen enough.

As I was with these people and in this place I felt my internal battery charging as the tension dripped away from me. I hope I have returned to Rochester more genuine than I left it. I know winter is not over here, as it almost is down south, and that there will be at least a month left of cold and dreariness. I am prepared to perhaps spend lots of it on the couch in hibernation. But this weekend I was reminded that sometimes it is easy to be me, and that maybe it will be that way again here in Rochester - or where ever I go next.